Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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