Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can't turn off my feet"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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