So drunk its hurt
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
