I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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