sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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