im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Operation Purity has been aborted
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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