I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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