I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
