I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
