we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
