i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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