I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
