She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
