Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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