Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
