Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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