I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
