Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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