I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
