I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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