it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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