I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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