They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
