I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
