Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
