she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm having to shit out rocks
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