I'm really into asian looking animals
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
