He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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