her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
