thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
