I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Terrible idea I love it
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
