I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
