I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
