You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Randomize
