I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
