ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
