i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
