This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You are a genius and a whore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
