I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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