I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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