I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
