I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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