He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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