the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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