did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
