So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
