meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
