I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
