he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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