My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
