She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
