Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
