highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Randomize
