peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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