I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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