If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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